Because talking is as important to your wellbeing as eating, sleeping and working out.

We live in an ‘always on’ environment. Double or even triple screening, whether it’s watching TV with your laptop fired up and your phone next to you, or scrolling social media while Netflix blares in the background, we spend around five hours a day looking at screens. And while it might make you ‘feel’ connected when you see your friends post on Instagram or receive an email from a colleague, it’s not the same as face to face interactions and shared experiences with those around you.

“Science says it all,” says Josh Newis-Smith, author of Great Chat: Seven Lessons for Better Conversations, Deeper Connections and Improved Wellbeing. “We are truly physically and mentally healthier when we make time for real life conversations, but in a time of great disconnection, a third of us feel lonelier than ever and alarmingly being lonely has the same mortality effects as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.”

Let’s be honest, no interaction or communication with others can leave us feeling pretty barren and without purpose because there are no shared experiences, no common ground, no feelings of belonging – whether that’s with one person or an entire community. “Without connection, there’s no real comfort and kindness, no sense of home and a diminished feeling of contentment and wellbeing,’ explains Heather Garbutt, love and relationship coach.

In short, there is nothing that feeds the soul more and a lack of connection stifles our ability to flourish and grow as an individual. “Nurturing strong connections is incredibly important for a variety of reasons, not least for the beautiful depth of love and support they let in, but connecting with those close to us allows our creativity to grow as the more we understand our loved ones, the more room there is for us to be inspired by them and their minds,” says Sarah Jones St John, founder of private members wellness club, Grey Wolfe. “It also helps us to better understand ourselves and our own needs, such as how we wish to give and receive energy or what virtues we value the most.”

Stop just going through the motions

Long-term relationships of any kind can sometimes feel arduous. Parents, teachers, colleagues, partners, even friends sometimes, we can all become drained by certain situations, especially those with people that you interact with regularly. “It’s easy for anyone to become complacent and passive in their day-to-day interactions and it can be difficult to snap out of these behaviours,” continues Sarah.

According to a study a breakdown in communication is the number one reason for divorce and that’s because making time for it is so low on our priority list. “Communication is the glue that holds any relationship together and as soon as you stop communicating about the good, the bad and the in-between moments with your partner it creates a distance between you,” admits Josh. “Work, children, socialising with others and chores are pushing communication in our relationships further down the to-do list and in many cases it’s the first thing to go.”

Ironically, the person you probably felt safe with and that you could rely on, somehow becomes easy to ignore and not invest in. As soon as they start to feel that, they may withdraw and then both of your behaviour becomes affected. “The Gottman Institute have done extensive research on what makes relationships work and what does not. They know with 96% accuracy which relationships will stand the test of time,” reveals Heather. “The relationships which don’t last are those where there is criticism, competitiveness, mean spiritedness, stonewalling, sarcasm and mocking humour. Those in which people show each other respect, ask about each other’s state of mind and feelings, are curious when there is conflict and are committed to resolving it, are warm towards each other and if they do tease each ither it’s with kindness and affection – these are relationship skills, and they can be learned.”

Easy ways to start connecting or re-connecting

1. Practice and start small

Communicating with others shouldn’t be labour intensive, says Josh. “We need to start thinking of everyday conversations as vital self-development and self-help. We take time to go to the gym, practice mindfulness but with so many health benefits we need to start applying it to conversations daily. You don’t need to pour out your heart and soul but even a little harmless gossip is proven to release serotonin and oxytocin so carve out some time every day to get those healthy chemicals fired up.” Whether it’s what you watched the night before or weekend plans, ask questions that will get more than one-word answers.

2. Stop labelling yourself introverted or extroverted

Conversations might not flow easily for you because of many reasons but Josh believes we should drop labels like extrovert and introvert altogether. “The truth is everyone gets drained by certain people or social situations, and everyone gets fuelled by at least some form of interaction and we’ve started to use these terms as a comfort blanket. If we consider ourselves ‘introvert’ it gives us permission to not push ourselves or to just say no and if we’re extroverts, we think we need to be the life and soul of the party at all times,” he says. “Either way this isn’t healthy so instead look at your own individual social battery and then plan your energy accordingly. If you have a big event, clear social black out times before and after so you can prepare and recharge.”

3. Find shared passions and activities

This works with friends, family, colleagues and loved ones and is a great way to forge conversations and connections. “By taking time to intentionally initiate conversations and interactions you can strengthen your bonds and relationships. It could be a long walk in the countryside, a spa session, even being at home and sharing passions with one another without distractions will nurture your relationships,” advises Sarah.

4. Be curious

If you find yourself arguing with a loved one regularly, don’t write the relationship off – conflicts can actually deepen connection by helping you understand one another. “Listen with curiosity when your partner is roused to anger or has withdrawn to silence (fight or flight) and that will show each of you how much you matter. Your behaviour can affect each other so powerfully. You can feel misunderstood, unconsidered, overlooked or dismissed but by getting rid of any assumptions you've heard about why the other is behaving that way you will understand each other better,” explains Heather.

5. Be vulnerable

Being open with others takes vulnerability but it isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s much better to open up and be your authentic self than rely on answers like ‘it’s fine’ or ‘I’m fine’. “It’s actually a sign of strength and letting those around you know that you’re not afraid to be honest with them sends a signal to them who in turn will return that energy to you,” says Sarah.

6. Practice active listening

Most people think they’re good listeners but are you really? Or are you easily distracted by your phone, the TV, an email. With shorter and shorter attention spans, we’re losing the art of listening, says Josh: “We all need to make a conscious effort to become an active listener. There is a difference between passively hearing and actively listening. Firstly, take your phone out of your hand and put it away, open-up your body language, face the person you are speaking to and maintain eye contact as much as possible – all of this will build a visual reminder that you are paying attention.”

Other guidelines include not interrupting and moving the conversation along by using their story to inspire you. Whether it’s asking more questions about it and engaging or finding something relatable in your life. “It gives space to not only show you’re interested but also that you’re interesting too by talking about your own experiences.”

7. Enlist a tier system for your friends and colleagues

Look at the relationships around you and decide which ones you want to cultivate and strengthen, and which ones are less worthy of your attention. “It’s important to be mindful of where you invest your energy as you don’t want to continually give to people who don’t give back,” says Heather.

This is where Josh suggests putting your friends into tier divisions. “Tier one are the people you know you would drop anything for and they would do the same for you. Tier two are those friends you turn up for when it’s convenient for you and vice versa and tier three are the acquaintances you enjoy catching up with, but you wouldn’t invite them to your wedding. Then finally tier four is reserved for those who drain you. Once you do this you will likely find you’re not spending enough time with the best people in your life and you can start to adjust your plans to invest in those friendships that really fuel you.”

Remember too, that whoever you’re connecting with is a journey and it can take time, patience and practice to get it right. It also can be more than using your voice. “Humans can communicate with touch, actions and by giving time to others. They don’t need to be grand gestures; small acts of love go a long way in showing that you care and want to connect to those around you,” concludes Sarah.